Dateline -- Clam City       From the beginning, back in the 1980's when EOTU first burst upon the small press world with its eclectic gatherings of stories and art and poetry, people have been wondering, what do the letters in the acronym EOTU stand for. The most popular belief among the reading population has been Edge Of The Universe, or End Of The Universe, something like that. But those who know EOTU Editor Larry Dennis know he would never name his child, the zine he created from his own toil, sweat and discretionary funds anything so mundane.
    Yet through all these years Dennis has never told anyone (ED. NOTE: At least no one who would sell that information to us here at The Clam City News.) what the letters EOTU stood for.
    He has, however, allowed us to conduct a contest, to find a name that truly represents the zine, in its history as a paper zine and in its current state as an 'ezine'. For the past several months contestants have been submitting titles for EOTU, the winner to receive a cash prize -- a rather small cash prize in this humble reporter's opinion -- and the opportunity to see their title used as the official title of the August 2004 issue of EOTU Ezine.
    And here are the results of the contest.
    There were several submissions using animals in the title, most notably Elephants and Ostriches, though there were some Octopusses and Eels. The most notable animal title was Ricky the Janitor's choice for Best Title:  Engineered On Titmouse Udders, submitted by Maseni.
    There were a variety of permutations on the themes of Eunuchs and Underwear. Gigi was able to use both in the same title with Eunuchs On Their Underwear, though we aren't sure why Eunuchs would be on their underwear rather than in them. Perhaps we don't want to know.
    A lot of people thought the editors of EOTU Ezine were serious and sent actually good titles that we're sure Editor Dennis would have used starting back in the 1980's, if only he'd had the brains to think of them himself. From Kenny Klein came Entrance Of The Underworld, Brutal Dreamer's Echoes Of The Universe and Melissa Mead's Experimental Offerings Total Unusual. Liza Perrat sent Electronic Odes To U, though Liza probably wasn't aware that EOTU started publishing before Al Gore invented the internet so the E probably isn't really 'electronic'.
    There were a lot of titles using bodily functions. Who would have thought that from the readers of EOTU Ezine? Two of the, ahem, best are:  Excrement Often Tastes Unappetizing from Marvin Rabinowitz, and Ricky's favorite, Excess Of Trapped Urine from Rod Walker.
    Overall we had a lot of good entries into the contest. But now it's time to announce the winners:

(Do be aware that the second and first runners up actually win nothing, nada, zip. They are just next in line should the winner be unable to fulfill it's obligation to become the title for the August 2004 issue.)

Our second runner-up comes from Daniel Bishop, a man who has been published in EOTU Ezine before and has been reading the zine for years. Through that time he has come to understand Editor Dennis' sense of humor and sent in a title directly aimed at that humor. Think back to the 1980's. Dennis has created a brand new small press zine and is ready to launch it upon the world. He searches and struggles to find a name for it that will help it stand out from the crowd of zines available at the time. Finally he settles on:  EOTU, which stands for:

Every Other Title's Used

Our first runner up comes from Klam Dipp (yes, the Klam Dipp) who accurately pegged Editor Dennis' desire to have the title of his zine sound really cool, but have no meaning.

Exothermic Obscenity Tracking Units

And the winner is, from Karen Newman:

Each Obituary Taunts Us

Editor Dennis told this reporter that Ms. Newman's title was selected because "when we use it as the basis for the theme of the August 2004 issue, geez, the range and depth of the stories and poems will be staggering."

Which, Dear Readers, is EOTU-speak meaning Dennis doesn't have a clue yet what the theme of his August Issue is going to be. But at least he has a title. Reporting from the EOTU Building, Clam City, this is Ace Reporter Rebekka Twaintoing.

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