The Breadth of All Malarkey
The History of EOTU Ezine

by Ace Reporter
Lucy S. Diamont

Dateline, Moscow (not Russia) USA....

Lucy S. Diamont here. When I got the phone call from the editors of The Clam City News, I had to ask a couple seven times, “who?” But, once they said succinctly and clearly 'Paul McCartney', I knew right away what they were after. The editors of The Clam City News needed a story on the infamous legend of the death of Sir Paul McCartney.

I informed the editor on the phone that I was definitely qualified for this particular assignment as I had once gone all the way to England seeking the truth behind this very tale.

However, having exhausted my resources in England, I now turned to the place where everybody seems to be finding their research data these days:  the internet. I found some interesting facts when I googled “Paul McCartney” +“Death”. There are 86,000 links to various sources of the death of Paul McCartney. Spending hours on end for the past three weeks, and drinking lots of Dr. Pepper to keep myself going, I found that most of these web-sites confirmed that Paul McCartney is indeed dead. Interesting.

I then did an image search of Paul McCartney and found over 8,000 pictures. Not very many, in this Ace Reporter's humble opinion, so I concluded that the impostor who took the dead Paul's place lo these many years does not allow his picture to be taken. But then Tim, an unnamed source of mine, suggested I check the other Beatles for comparison. So I did.

Ringo has a little over 2,000 images of himself on the internet. George has over 6,000 and John has a whopping 12,000. My conclusion is that the number of images on the internet directly corresponds to the popularity of each Beatle and not the order in which they died. After telling my “source” to go away and stop messing up my theories, that I was happy in my own little world, I finally, finally, finally came to this conclusion, finally: This is my theory: It is mine only and no one elses. This is my theory: My theory is:  after John died and then George died (may the many gods of the world bless him), it became difficult to figure out who was “next” in line to die. Paul or Ringo. That's it. That's my theory. We don't know who's next.

We could speculate. In his favor, Ringo is as healthy as a horse (I should know, I saw him in concert!), living a life of leisure on the road. Paul, though, is a vegetarian and I'm sure there is a study somewhere that says vegetarians live longer than meat eaters. Plus, Paul is/was younger than Ringo, so he has pure time on his side.

Suddenly, I slap myself off of this morbid train of thought! I came to the realization that Ringo will be the last Beatle to leave us, because Paul is already dead! He left us back in 1966! You want proof? Visit Psychodelic Woodchuck or try this image search on google: "death by decapitation". You might find some interesting ...

ED NOTE:   We interrupt this report by our Ace Reporter Lucy S. Diamont. Our apologies to you, dear reader. Obviously Ms. Diamont misunderstood her assignment. We didn't ask for a report on the Death of Paul McCartney, we asked for the Breadth of All Malarkey. We wanted a complete history of EOTU Ezine. And, obviously, this isn't it.

So, gathering what few facts we do know, EOTU was founded in the mid 1980's by Larry Dennis as a bi-monthly literary zine, featuring fiction, art and poetry of all genres, but tending toward science fiction, fantasy and horror. The first issue was titled "Stormclouds" and featured work by Bruce Boston and Randy Chandler, just as does the current issue of EOTU Ezine. (Coincidence or conspiracy? You decide.)

During its hey day EOTU was a fairly popular zine, gathering nominations for a variety of awards, both for the zine and for work published therein. At one point EOTU was listed by Writer's Digest as the 16th best magazine in the nation to submit fiction to (sandwiched between Playboy and Good Housekeeping).  Of course editor Dennis proceeded from there to drive the zine right into the ground and then out of business.

However, Dennis could not control his zine publishing addiction and fell off the "I'll never publish anything ever again!" wagon and EOTU was reborn as EOTU Ezine in June 2000, making it's debut on the internet as an on-line only ezine. And once again EOTU is flourishing, gathering about 50,000 page views per issue. And once again EOTU Ezine is beginning to garner major literary nominations. Therefore, we here, the editors at The Clam City News, have started a pool on when Dennis runs this one into the ground. There are a few good dates still open if you care to wager.

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