Dateline -- Clam City

This is Ace Reporter Rebekka Twaintoing reporting. I am about to enter the EOTU Empire Building in downtown Clam City to interview EOTU Ezine editor Larry Dennis to ask him the burning question, "Why a sex issue of EOTU Ezine?"

Because of the EOTU Empire's policy of not allowing reporters from the Clam City News into the building, a directive directly from Editor Dennis who, for some reason, despises us, I find myself having to devise a ruse to sneak past the guards at the front doors.

I have chosen, since the current issue is about sex, to dress myself as a slutty sex model, the type they are surely taking photographs of to illustrate their lurid stories in the June 2003 Issue of the 'ezine'. I am wearing a short leather skirt with black fishnet hose and a very low-cut blouse that accents my ample cleavage. Of course it wasn't much of an effort to dress this way, I always dress this way, so to hide my identity I am wearing a blonde wig. I am approaching the guards.

GUARD ONE:  May I see your pass?
CLAM CITY NEWS:  Uh, I have an appointment. They didn't give me a pass.
GO:  Everyone needs a pass. If they made you an appointment, they would have given you a pass.
CCN:  Maybe it's lost in the mail.
GUARD TWO:  That's never happened.
CCN:  What never?
GT:  No, never. The Clam City Post Office would never make a mistake like that. They would never not deliver mail from the EOTU Empire.
GO:  They'd be too scared.
GT:  Yeah.
CNN: Okay, I don't have a pass. I just made that up. I need to get in the building and talk to Larry Dennis, editor of EOTU Ezine.
GO:  No you don't. No one gets in without a pass.
CNN:  But it's personal.
GO:  What is?
CNN:  My story. My reason for needing in.
GT:  Really? What's your story?
GO:  We don't need to hear it. We don't need to know.
GT:  I'd like to hear it. I'd like to know.
CNN:  I left my underwear up there!
GO:  What?
CNN:  I had a 'party' last night with Editor Dennis and, uh, left my undies behind. I need to get them before, well, before someone finds them and Larry gets into trouble.
GT:  Maybe we better let her in. That sounds pretty serious.
GO:  She's lying.
CNN:  I am not! I had a party last night up there.
GO:  In the EOTU Building?
CNN:  Yes.
GO:  With Editor Dennis?
CNN:  Yes.
GO:  So, you're a call girl?
CNN:  Oh, no. No, no, no. I'm a model!
GO:  Who had sex with Editor Dennis last night up in his office suite.
CNN:  Yes. And I left my underwear up there.
GT:  Maybe we better let her in. That sounds pretty serious.
GO:  She's lying.
CNN:  No, I'm not.
GO:  Yes you are. You aren't a model and you certainly never had sex with Dennis.
CNN:  How do know?
GO:  Because I recognize you. You're Rebekka Twaintoing of The Clam City News!
CNN:  No I'm not!
GO:  Yes, you are.
CNN:  How do you know?
GO:  I've been on duty here for 7 years and at least twice a week you come up to this door in a flaky costume with a lame excuse trying to get in. You think a crappy blond wig is going to fool me?
CNN:  Well, okay. I am Rebekka Twaintoing, but I was just trying to get the story.
GT:  What story?
CNN:  I need to know why Editor Dennis risked the fine literary reputation of EOTU Ezine by doing a sex issue.
GT:  Oh, I can tell you that.
CNN:  You can? That's great!
GO:  Don't tell her anything. When the people inside this building find out you'll get fired.
CNN:  It's okay. I'll call you an anonymous source. Okay?
GT:  Okay.
CNN:  So tell me. Why the sex issue?
GT:  Well about three months ago I was working here at this door and Dennis drove up with a writer in his car.
CNN:  Which one?
GT:  I don't remember. Bill, or Jim, or Joe. Anyway, they were getting out of the car and coming up to the door and I heard Dennis tell Bill, or Jim, or Joe, that Bill, or Jim, or Joe's hot, sexy story would be in the June issue of EOTU Ezine, even if he, Dennis, had to create a whole sex issue theme to fit the story in.
CNN:  Why would Dennis do that?
GT:  I'm not sure, but it had to do with a case of Tootsie Roll Pops that were delivered here the next day.
GO:  I remember those.
CNN:  So that's it? You're telling me that Editor Dennis created a sex issue for June 2003 solely because a writer bribed him with a case of Tootsie Roll Pops?
GT:  Yeah, that's about it.

And there you have it, dear reader, the sordid truth behind the sex issue. Bribery and chocolate candy pops. The integrity propping up EOTU Ezine is as strong as ever. Reporting live from in front of The EOTU EmpireBuilding in the city of Clam City, I'm Rebekka Twaintoing, Ace Reporter.

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