fiction by Paula Light
art by Laura Pelick
What Are You Wearing?
It was a light and mild morning. I had completed my inspection of the Borogove Seven perimeter, and not a creature was stirring, not even a Jubjub. So, I ziffled back to base and found Lance slurping a frex in the micro room.
"Dude," I went. "They taste way better when killed first and marinated with cold plums."
Lance frowned and stared at the squirming frex for a moment. He was all, "Eh, I'm not hungry anyway." Then he let the frex go, and everything was rainbow, rainbow, rainbow.
"What the fuck?" I ran to close the shades. "Man, does that ever give me a headache."
"Chill, Clitora." He hugged me with three of his largest tentacles. "Soon this world will end in ice, and we can look homeward, angel."
I let Lance comfort me, and rested my head against his soft, moist krensh. Too bad he was a Kaon, I thought, and not for the first time. Romance between Kaons and Muons was strictly forbidden ever since the Fermilab Fifteen implosion caused the thirty-year tornado. Oh, well, at least I still had the ruby slippers. "You ate my little dog." That wasn't a question, but a statement [as you can see, dur! -- Ed.], as events coalesced in my mind with crystal blue persuasion.
"Forgive me, my darling?"
"Of course." I could never stay angry at Lance. Besides, I had seen the best minds of my generation destroyed by dogs, so, no biggie. Once they found the dilithium bones, aye, that was the end, and we couldna do a thing about it, Captain. "That reminds me, though, I have to call my mom." Reluctantly, I pulled away from his squishiness, and one of his suckers entangled itself in
my hair. It was a poignant moment. Painful, too.So, my mom was all, "Did you kill any Jubjubs lately, honey?" and stuff, yada yada yada, "I need more money for rocket fuel." Yeah, yeah. I swear that woman had a sixth sense for whenever I got a kill bonus. I didn't mind, really, when it came right down to it-after all, she had arranged the transport of my sister Labia to Nevermore when she wore my lime green sweater without permission. I owed her, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Anyhoo, right after I disconnected from Muona, the screen lit up like Gatesmas morning. It looked like a SPNAK call, but I took it out of boredom. Since I had already redirected my bonus to Mom's account, it wasn't like the Spnaker could talk me into buying a new mercury frexing pole or anything. As if! "Clitora speaking."
"Ooh!" The hazy outline of a beta male materialized on my screen. "Sexy."
Like I hadn't heard that one before. "You realize you've contacted a base, don't you?"
"You think I'm a Spnaker?" He laughed. "You gonna turn me in?"
I could have, if I wanted to, but something about him intrigued me. His features looked human, almost, and it had been a long time. A long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time. "So what are you selling then?"
He was all, "I just want to chat. I'm stuck out here in the French quarter, monitoring the parallel wasteland. And April is the cruelest month."
True. I started feeling sorry for the dude. "What's your name?"
"Rolf."
"Coordinates?" I checked his headers, since I never trusted anyone, and they showed he was transmitting from Wasteland Two. So that was okay.
"Black pants, white shirt."
"Funny."
"I try. What are you wearing, Clitora?"
"Pink jumpsuit, red boots and tailette."
"Tail? You're a Muon."
"Yes."
"Sweet," he went, breathing heavily. "I haven't seen anyone from Muona for ages."
"You've visited?"
"Lived there for an earth-year. Beautiful place. I bet you miss it."
"For sure. I'll be going back after the next ice age, though." I wasn't looking forward to it anymore, though, since I wouldn't be allowed to bring Lance with me.
"When's that scheduled?"
"November."
"You've got a bit of a wait. What do you do to pass the time there? Besides whacking Jubjubs, I mean?"
"My basemate and I play a lot of chess."
"I see." Rolf sounded sad.
"You're out there all alone, aren't you?"
"Yeah, it wasn't my choice."
"You weren't a frex smuggler, were you?" They used to send smugglers to Earth, but it was all radioactive now, so a lot of non-violent criminals were forced into wasteland jobs.
"Hardly!" He snorted. "It's a long story, very depressing."
"Sorry."
"So, your basemate-is she a Muon, too?"
I giggled. "Nope, sorry."
"I bet she's cute, though. Not as cute as you, of course. I can just imagine that pink suit, and your tail, mmm--"
"You like tails, I take it?"
"Oh, yeah. So, does she have one?"
"Who?"
Rolf sighed. "Your basemate."
"Right, sorry. I'm kind of tired. Haven't been sleeping well."
"Oh?"
I shrugged a couple times to get some of the tension out of my shoulders. "Stress, I guess. Anyway, my basemate's male."
"No wonder you're tired."
If only. "He's a Kuon."
"Ooh! Recipe for disaster, I'd say."
"We can control ourselves, Rolf."
"That's an interesting way of putting it."
Uh-oh. What was the matter with me? I should never have taken the call! I had just confessed to some criminal, a wasteland luser-dude of all things, that Lance and I lusted after each other. For Gates' sake, I had to get a grip!
"Hello? Are you still there?" Rolf sounded desperate.
"I'm here."
"I'd love to lick your tail, baby."
Good, he was forgetting the Muon-Kuon thing. "I wish I could get a hologram of you."
"I have it blocked."
"Why?"
"Uh, I have some scars."
"Scars turn me on."
"I'd like to rub them all over you. Lick and suck every square inch of your pinkness until your nerves go supernova."
Wow, I was really getting into this now. "Don't stop."
"I know just what you want, Clitora. Soft, sucking tentacles squeezing and thrusting at you from every direction."
By then I was all out of my mind, going, "Yes! Yes!"
"You'd feel my krensh, wouldn't you, sweetheart?"
"Oh, yes."
"Just like you've touched your Kuon's?"
"Yes."
"Tell me."
"I would gently massage his krensh-"
"And?"
"And I'd kiss it and stroke it and then we'd flagricate--"
"Aha!"
A hologram suddenly appeared. It was my sister! Labia! She had tricked me, faked headers from the wasteland and done a voice-over. Oh, my Gates, I was doomed! "You bitch!"
"You had Mom exile me to Nevermore just because of that stupid sweater."
"So? You broke the rules."
"Not as much as you have!"
I couldn't argue with that. Even thinking about flagricating with a Kuon was outlawed. "What do you want from me, Lay?"
"You have to come pick me up and let me whack Jubjubs with you. And I get to share the Kuon."
"Greedy."
"Me? You are! You'd keep everything for yourself. I just want to share!"
"Fine." She had me, and she knew it. She could have asked for much more, so in a weird way I respected her now. "We'll be there in an hour."
Then she was all like, "Cheer up, Tori. Remember, we put the fun in dysfunctional."
Yeah, right. Well, hey, I figured I might as well commit the crime for which I was being punished, and wandered off to Lance's room.
He heard the snicker-snack of Clitora's heels on the tile floor. Soon he'd feel the swish of her silky tail against his krensh. Quickly, Lance switched off the Mirror Image and Voice program he had up on the screen. What a nifty little piece of software: not only would he get his dream Muon now, but also her sister! Life rocked in space. Yeah, baby.