THE CLAM CITY NEWS INTERVIEW

with
CLYDE, THE UH - GARDENER

by
REBEKKA TWAINTOING






--This past week EOTU Ezine editor Larry Dennis reported to us, by slipping a news release under our front door, that EOTU Ezine was rapidly approaching a readership level of 10,000 people per issue. We were skeptical, given that we find it hard there are more than, at the most, 6 or 7 people in the world, who could possibly share Larry's taste in fiction, art and poetry. So we sleuthed around a found an inside source at the EOTU Ezine offices to tell us the true story. Following is my interview with Ricky, the Janitor, who wishes to remain anonymous so will be called Clyde, the Gardener, in this article.
 

CLAM CITY NEWS:  First, let's establish your credentials to be giving us this ground breaking news about the readership rates of EOTU Ezine.

CLYDE, THE GARDENER:  Okay.

CCN:  You work at the EOTU Ezine offices, is that true?

CTG:  Yeah.

CCN:  And what do you do there?

CTG:  I, uh, garden.

CCN:  You mean grow things?

CTG:  Yeah.

CCN:  What kind of things?

CTG:  Well, plants, mostly.

CCN:  What kind of plants?

CTG:  Why are you asking me about plants? I thought we were here to talk about the readership rates of EOTU Ezine.

CCN:  We are trying to establish your credibility before we blow the lid on this story. I am, after all, an award winning journalist known for her hard hitting questions, for grilling informants until they burst out with the truth. That's what I'm doing to you. I have a very difficult question to ask and I must lead up to that question carefully. So, here it is.

CTG:  Okay.

CCN:  You claim to be the gardener for EOTU Ezine. Is that true?

CTG:  Yes.

CCN:  Then tell me, where are the gardens?

CTG:  What?

CCN:  EOTU Ezine has its offices on the 6th, 7th and 12th floors of the EOTU Building. They own no land. So, where are the gardens that you garden? Where are the plants you take care of?

CTG:  Oh, that. They're in pots.

CCN:  Pots?

CTG:  Yeah, you know. Pots. Potted trees in the lobby. Dracaenas in the offices. Little potted pansies on the desks. I take care of those.

CCN:  So, and here is the hard question, how in going about your duties did you find out the truth about the readership rates of EOTU Ezine?

CTG:  I was going through the garbage can by EOTU Editor Larry Dennis' desk and found a crumpled sheet of paper in that can.

CCN:  Why were you going through his garbage?

CTG:  Look, do you want the information or not?

CCN:  WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN HIS GARBAGE??!!

CTG:  The garbage can looked like a pot that held a small scotch pine tree, only with the pine missing, like someone had stolen it from the pot, so I was looking for evidence of who may have stolen the tree.

CCN:  And the information you found in the garbage can about the readership of EOTU Ezine was?

CTG:  Larry made the numbers up! He had received the accurate numbers in a report from his ISP and had whited out those numbers and wrote his own over them. That was the report he slipped under your door.

CCN:  And the real number of readers for the last two months of EOTU Ezine?

CTG:  January, 6. February 15.
 

-- And thus, finally, the truth. While EOTU Editor Larry Dennis was telling the truth when he said readership rates had doubled since January, his report that EOTU Ezine was reaching the 10,000 readership plateau seems greatly exaggerated.

    Reporting for The Clam City News, I'm Rebekka Twaintoing.

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