(ED. NOTE: Rebekka Twaintoing has been trying for years to get an interview with EOTU Ezine editor Larry Dennis. However, Dennis has been elusive. For some reason we cannot fathom he has not wanted to share himself with the readers of The Clam City News and though Ms. Twaintoing has been creative in her efforts it wasn’t until we agreed to publish a special report on EOTU Ezine that he agreed. To read Ms. Twaintoing’s previous efforts to interview Dennis, please go here.)
AN INTERVIEW
WITH EOTU EZINE
EDITOR LARRY DENNISBy Ace Reporter
REBEKKA TWAINTOING
Dateline, Clam City -- Ace Reporter Rebekka Twaintoing reporting here from an interior room of the EOTU Building, home of the EOTU Empire, home of EOTU Ezine and home to EOTU Ezine editor Larry Dennis. We are in the penthouse suite in a room I can only describe as the most luxurious collection of leather and wood I, personally, have ever seen. I am waiting for editor Larry Dennis to appear, it should be any minute now.
His butler, Brine, has brought to me a drink while I wait, it tastes to be a quaint mixture of champagne, goat's' milk and Sprite. Out the window I can see the view that Dennis surely uses each night for inspiration as he works on the world acclaimed ezine that he so ably edits. Moonlight reflects off the bay and across the way I see the flickering marina lights at Bailey’s Boat Docks.
I am excited to be here. I have been trying for so very long to get this interview, oh wait… here he comes. He’s wearing a smoking jacket, though he’s not smoking…
EDITOR DENNIS: Good evening. Sorry to have kept you waiting.
CLAM CITY NEWS: Oh, no, no. That’s fine.
ED: Conchita wanted to be thorough with my foot massage.
CCN: Oh.
ED: Did Brine take care of you?
CCN: Yes, he brought me a drink and took my coat.
ED: I hope he brings it back.
CCN: What?
ED: Ha, ha. A joke. Get it? He took your coat... I hope he brings it back.
CCN: Oh.
ED: Well. So, a Clam City Fizzy?
CCN: What?
ED: The drink.
CCN: Oh, yeah. Yes. It is.
ED: Good. They’re Brine’s favorite.
CCN: I can see why.
ED: Yes, well. Would you like to sit? Let’s sit over here by the palm tree.
CCN: Okay.
ED: Good. Comfortable?
CCN: Yes.
ED: Good. You look good.
CCN: What?
ED: You look nice. I never realized how pretty you are.
CCN: Oh. Well. Thanks.
ED: You’re much prettier in person than in that picture of you they run in the paper.
CCN: It’s an old picture.
ED: What are you doing tonight?
CCN: What?
ED: Tonight.
CCN: Tonight?
ED: After the interview.
CCN: Oh. Well, uh. Going back to the newsroom to write up this interview.
ED: I was thinking coffee, maybe a late movie.
CCN: A movie?
ED: Yes. With you.
CCN: With me?
ED: Yes.
CCN: You mean like a date?
ED: You can describe the magic of our time together however you wish.
CCN: Uh... Okay.
ED: So?
CCN: So?
ED: The movie? The coffee and the movie?
CCN: I, uh, do have a deadline tonight.
ED: Well, maybe later. But for now, the interview. You have questions.
CCN: Yes. Uh. Yes, I do. Let's see. You started EOTU as a paper zine back in the 1980’s. Why?
ED: To make money. Small press zine publishing is the quickest easiest way to make a fortune.
CCN: Really?
ED: Certainly. What’s the name of this building?
CCN: The EOTU Building.
ED: And what floor are we on?
CCN: One hundred and thirty four.Oh, I see. You made money with the zine then built a buiding with it. Point taken.
ED: Good. Next question.
CCN: In 1992 you were awarded the coveted Deebleflym Award for your brilliance at editing the paper EOTU. Do you expect to win the award again now that you’re publishing EOTU Ezine?
ED: Would you like another drink?
CCN: What?
ED: Your drink. Would you like me to replenish your Clam City Fizzy?
CCN: Uh, sure.
ED: Brine?
BRINE: Yes, Sir.
ED: The lady needs lubrication.
B: Yes, Sir.
CCN: Lubrication?
ED: For your throat. It sounds dry. Tight, constricted.
CCN: Oh. I think I'm just nervous.
ED: Nothing to be nervous about. Next question.
CCN: Okay. Well. Over the course of the years you have published hundreds of writers. Who’s your favorite?
ED: That’s sort of like asking who’s your favorite child. But I would have to pick Amanda Woolsley.
CCN: Why her?
ED: Because she’ll go out with me for coffee and a movie.
CCN: What?
ED: It’s a joke. I’m joking with you.
CCN: Oh.
ED: Favorite writer? Probably still Amanda. She uses unique phrasing in her short stories and has a quaint rhythmic pacing to her poetry.
CCN: Really?
ED: You calling me a liar?
CCN: No, no. Never.
B: Here’s your drink, Miss.
CCN: Thank you, Brine.
ED: Next question.
CCN: Yes, of course. Well, there is one thing I’ve been wanting to know, but I don’t think this should be part of the real interview.
ED: Ooooh, this doesn’t sound like the usual chitchat. This sounds like you actually have something to say.
CCN: Well, I’d like to know why you’ve gone to such extremes through the years to avoid letting me interview you.
ED: Have I?
CCN: Yes.
ED: And you blame me?
CCN: Well, I don’t believe I can blame you since I don’t know why you did it.
ED: I don’t believe you were around then but back before it was illegal to say anything bad about EOTU Ezine your newspaper, the Damn City News, did an article that thoroughly ripped my zine and called me a fat, lazy editor with the brain of an orangutan.
CCN: Really? They said that?
ED: Yes.
CCN: And it’s not true?
ED: Of course it’s not true. I’m not fat!
CCN: Certainly. Well, that's obvious.
ED: Next question.
CCN: Let me check my notes here.
ED: You have to check your notes to ask me a question?
CCN: I have to sure to be fair and thorough. There are deep burning questions that our readers need asked.
ED: Fine. Great. Go ahead and ask. But hurry. I need to get some coffee and see a movie.
CCN: I’m not going to go out with you.
ED: Why?
CCN: I don’t think I like you.
ED: Really? I am rich.
CCN: Well…
ED: Have you written a novel? All journalists have written novels. I could publish it for you.
CCN: Really?
ED: Certainly.
CCN: Well… a movie, huh? As suppose I can put off my deadline a little bit..
ED: Excellent! Brine? Call my car.
CCN: It’s about a cat that discovers time travel.
ED: What?
CCN: My novel.
ED: Fine. That’s great. I’m going to go change out of this smoking jacket, so hold that thought until we get to the movie theater. We can talk there.
And that, dear readers, is my thorough in depth interview with EOTU Ezine editor Larry Dennis, a man I found to be charming, eloquent and true to his word. Please watch for my new novel coming out from Clam City Publications. It’s called “Pussy in the Pliestocene” and is about a cat that discovers time travel.
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