or, How I Got Arrested in San Denminoza

by Rebekka Twaintoing


Dateline -- San Denminoza

First I want to let everyone know back home that I'm okay. I only spent 5 hours behind bars, and it wasn't that bad. It wasn't like the 2 days I spent in the Tijuana jail or the 5 weeks at the Shady Roads Federal Facility.  Wasn't like that at all.

And, by the way, I was innocent both times then and I'm innocent now.

This whole adventure began when the editors of The Clam City News decided someone should follow EOTU Ezine editor, Larry Dennis, on his vacation to the South Pacific island of Wakatoa, and try to get a picture of his surprise at the moment he would first gaze upon the June issue of EOTU Ezine.

And make no mistake about this, the Clam City News editors distinctly told me to dress inconspicuously and to not let Larry know he was being followed.

The disguise I chose was one of a teen-age pop star, complete with blond wig, stuffed brassiere and my belly button showing. I hired an entourage (small, only 15 people) of good looking young guys to travel with me on this godforsaken South Pacific tourist trip.

I thought the disquise clever, and I was able to keep the trip under budget (Not even close. -- ED.) until our ill-fated layover in San Denminoza.

I boarded the plane in Los Angeles with my entourage for the first leg of our journey to the romantic South Pacific. Since I am, or rather was playing, a pop-star I and my boys naturally had to travel first class, which worked out well because so was Larry. We could keep an eye on him and he would never suspect that I was an Ace Reporter for The Clam City News.

In Hawaii we had a four hour layover to change planes. I had my boys tail Larry while I stayed in the airport bar trying to convince the studly bartender that I was Christina Aguilera, and that I could make him sing! 

Back in the plane for the next leg of our journey things were going well. Larry was looking out the window, mesmerized by the passing clouds, while I allowed myself a beauty nap.

Twelve hours later we landed on the ocean isle of San Denminoza to once again change planes, this time to something much smaller.

At this airport, however, things did not go smoothly. Larry got off first and I heard him say something to the stewardess about trying to find a restaurant that served poi sushi (which of course is only available on the Hawaiian Islands, but do think a world traveled college educated editor of a respected literary ezine would know that?) I knew he would be easy to follow.

However, I had only walked about thirty feet into the terminal when I was mobbed by a horde of pre-teens screaming "Britney! Britney!" I panicked and ran, but didn't get far because the stiletto heel of my shoe got stuck in the escalator and the mob was upon me! They tore at my clothing and ripped apart my luggage, desperate for any scrap of souvenir they could scavenge. At that moment the horror of it all swept over me and I passed out.

I awoke in the San Denminoza jail, tattered, torn, bleeding, my entourage scattered and me facing felony charges.

My crime? About a year early the fine citizens of San Denminoza wanted to raise money for the coffers of their small island and decided the way to do that was to print postage stamps featuring a certain pop star on them. Well, the day the stamps were issued the post office on the island was swamped by pre-teens from around the world, the crush of the mob so great that the walls of building tumbled and the clerks all fled in terror. The crowd scooped up all the stamps, without paying for them, and have since been using them in international mail, all mail that the San Denminozans have to pay for. They have become virtually bankrupt.

So the good citizens have passed a law that no image of a certain pop star is allowed on the island. No one is allowed to dress like her, there are no album sales and the satellite TV providers have to cut her image from their commercials.

And there is a law that if she ever comes to their island she will be immediately arrested and not released until she pays the princely sum of 29,000 wauhooheehaas, the local currency. And since they thought I was she...

Fortunately, the editors of The Clam City News were able to scrounge up enough to post my bail (That would be $4.27 American. -- ED) and I am now safely back in the States.

I was unable to follow EOTU Ezine editor Larry Dennis to his vacation destination, the island of Wakatoa, to get the prized photo I was sent after. But I do have some good snapshots I took from the jail cell on San Denminoza. The cell has an ocean view! If you don't mind all the vertical bars in the photos.


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