When Nature Boyz in de Hood Winked ...
by Robert Dunn
The other day, back in Deep Woods Nine,
A kodiak bear and a sockeye salmon
Accosted each other over the right of way
Through a rushing stream. "One side,
You bug-eyed blowfish," snarled the bear.
"Aah, your mother was a rug in one of Madonna’s
Baby pictures," retorted the salmon. "Why, you ..."
Sputtered the bear, extending his claws. "I’ve
Eaten bigger than you for breakfast." "It’s
Past lunch," snarled the sockeye, flashing
His fangs. "And I hear fillet of bear is
Rather tasty, too." "I’ll knock you landlocked!"
Cried the kodiak, slipping into the stream.
"Well, come on, Yogi," taunted the sockeye,
Knowing full well that bears in the wild
Get even wilder when called "Yogi." "You better
Watch out--I know karate," continued the salmon,
Stiffening his fins in a Carradine battle posture.
The fight was brief, but terrible. The kodiak ...
"Play has stopped, folks. A small Labrador has
Wandered onto this poem and the referees and
The editors are trying to chase him off the page.
Hope he’s paper-trained--no! I mean, not paper ...
Ow! That hurt! The Labrador has caught hold
Of the sockeye and he’s flipping him around
Like a frisbee. The kodiak bear is whipping
His head around--looking for hunters, I’ll bet.
Isn’t that right, Brett?" "Right you are, Merv.
Hunters are bad news for bears ... a shot!
I heard a shot. The kodiak is diving for cover!
Looks like he’s in real trouble now, and ..."
"Sorry to interrupt, Brett, but it wasn’t a hunter.
That shot was just the end of the First Quarter!"
"But, Merv, didn’t anybody call Time Out?"
"I guess not, Brett. In all the excitement I
Suppose everybody just up and forgot." "Well,
Never mind, Merv. Here comes our Fabulous
Half-Time Show!" "What Fabulous Half-Time Show?
Brett, It’s only the end of the First Quarter."
"I know that, Merv, but some of the marching band
Members have to go home early today, so we
Rescheduled." "Well, if that’s their attitude,
I’m going home, too!" "You do and we’ll dock
Your pay!" Brett yelled, doubling his fists.
"Oho," crowed Merv. "Looking for a sock in the eye,
Eh? Take that!" "Hah! Just a love tap, you weenie!
Try this one for size ..." "Well, that about
Wraps it up for today’s ATM’s Wide-Eyed World
Of Spurts! Tune in again next week when
We present Star Freak Academy Soccer—played
With live photon torpedoes! Don’t miss it!"